Bear and Home Magazine is only published in the Bear Dimension
but each month we bring you selected excerpts from the latest issue.
This Month’s Feature
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My neighbour is driving me mad
Dear Susie
My neighbour is driving me mad. She makes sculptures on our shared driveway and plays her electric guitar far too loud. She’s always changing her look – I don’t know why she can’t choose one style and stick to it!
I’ve tried talking to her, that is to say, I haven’t said anything, but then I don’t see why I should have to. Plus I don’t want to upset her – she might play her guitar even LOUDER and it’s loud enough as it is. What do you think I should do?Yours in a terrible state,
Boggins Bear
Dear Boggins
I’m so sorry to hear that you are in a terrible state. I’m so glad you wrote in as we all need a listening ear sometimes and I am very happy to be that ear.
You said that your neighbour plays her electric guitar too loud and you don’t like looking at her sculptures. That must be very upsetting. It must be even more upsetting that you don’t feel you can talk to her, for fear of her playing the guitar even louder.
I wonder, though. Sometimes we build things up in our minds to be so much worse than they are. Have you tried imagining things the other way around? It can really help to visualise a positive conversation than a negative one.
Then you can have a relaxed and friendly conversation with your neighbour, rather than a tense and angry one. Perhaps you could say something like: “You’re so talented, I love to hear you play the guitar” (even if you really don’t!) “It does get a little loud for me at times, though.”
I really do hope your situation improves – but please don’t hesitate to write in again if you feel the need.
Sympathetically yours,
Susie
Mystic Mabel
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October’s Cosmic Calculations
Cosmic Greetings dear bear-friends,
Despite the predominantly thin fold on most of the planets, October is looking to be a successful month for bears, especially those on Regalia, Extraordinaria and Eternia.
Keep an eye on Extraordinaria this month everyone, as due to their very fortunate Sun, Moon and Fold Factors, the bears there are starred for success.
As some of our greatest inventions have come from this planet (the automatic honey-scooper and the automatic pooper-scooper, to name a few!) I am on tenterhooks to see what is coming next!
On Invisia, I advise the scientific community not to test their luck – or any unstable equipment and experiments this month. You might get lucky and make the whole planet visible again but given the thin andunfolded nature of reality this month, you are likely to become more invisible rather than the reverse!
On Regalia, despite the thin and dipping Fold, the waxing Biscuit Moon and Supportive Sun are smiling on King Bert and all his subjects. And Coronation Cake Day is coming up on 16 October! It’s a great month to get together, eat cake and be grateful for our fabulous monarch, everyone!
Just remember the old adage – ‘Don’t take a bite til the King has got his slice.’ That way you will ensure a happy, lucky and cake-filled month!
A note to bears on Philosophia. Due to the undecided nature of the cosmic energies, you will be making your own luck this month. It can go either way, so keep focussed and make sure it goes the way you want it to!
I’ve calculated a luck rating of 3 out of 5 in the Bear Dimension this month and the biscuitological omens are supportive, so it’s a great time to get out there and follow your furry dreams!
Biscuitology
Everyone’s lucky biscuit, the Jammy Dodger, has moved into glorification, and my chocolate digestive snapped almost perfectly in half this morning. This means that, unless you’re really careless, or you live on Invisia, you can enjoy more luck, more biscuits and more success all month long!
Travel in the Bear Dimension
A Bear’s Miscellany
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Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Mauris suscipit risus non mi pellentesque fermentum. Maecenas ac placerat velit. Nam lobortis est nec turpis pretium, nec imperdiet urna tincidunt. Donec ultricies eleifend commodo. Donec laoreet turpis lorem, id laoreet elit aliquam eu. Nullam nec sapien in urna fermentum pretium non vel est. Quisque vehicula nunc non lectus finibus, eget sagittis arcu tempor. Nunc finibus cursus felis, non dignissim arcu scelerisque id. Aliquam lacinia, sem vel iaculis ullamcorper, metus tortor tempus erat, at mattis massa mi id ante. Nullam quis posuere est, eget commodo enim. Proin dictum est arcu, ut accumsan enim posuere at. Nullam nec tempor tellus. Aenean viverra, est nec rhoncus auctor, dolor ex tempor tellus, et suscipit quam lectus et dui. Suspendisse eleifend id nibh et interdum. Aenean id malesuada libero.
Mauris vitae accumsan lectus. Sed et fermentum nunc. Vivamus finibus ornare dignissim. Fusce consequat faucibus blandit. Phasellus iaculis molestie ante at finibus. Ut nec egestas lorem, venenatis tempus elit. Ut vitae dolor non lorem bibendum accumsan. Cras vestibulum dapibus ultrices.
Music
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The Complainers: Another Crushing Disappointment… For Them, Not Us!
By Digestive Biscuit, Music Columnist
Playing to a packed crowd at the Bearfield Halls last week, The Complainers were in fine form. By which I mean, there was the usual minimalist stage set, with poor lighting and absolutely no special effects.
Hundreds of bears flocked to Bear Central for this one off concert – and the two famous Pessabears did not disappoint. That is to say, they were deeply disappointed, and it came across in every lyric!
Their latest album, Can’t Win For Losing has been enormously popular, and fans were eager to hear the latest tunes. When I say tunes, I mean dirges, monotonal rants and the occasional off-key ballad. The Complainers’ faces grew more sour with every number, particularly when the crowd roared their approval and sang along with hits like: “It Never Rains But It Pours”, “I Knew This Would Happen” and “Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel”.
Strangely enough, despite the clear attempt to bring everyone down, their gigs always seem to have the opposite effect. I spotted more than a few miserable faces in the audience leaving the venue smiling and laughing.
Another complete disaster for The Complainers of course, as everyone clearly missed the point of their music. They have just announced a tour of Outer Beargolia where they are undoubtedly hoping for a low turnout because of the distance bears would have to travel.
Somehow, I suspect they are going to be disappointed – again!
Cookery Corner
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Pandoo’s Pizza
Ingredients
- 5 oz self-raising flour
- 2 oz margarine
- 4 oz grated cheese, or maybe a bit more!
- 1 egg
- 1 can chopped tomatoes
- Mixed herbs
Method
Put the margarine and flour in a mixing bowl and rub together until the mixture looks a bit like breadcrumbs.
Crack the egg into a bowl and whisk it around with a fork before adding it to the margarine and flour mixture. Mix in the egg and the dough should come together into a soft, squidgey ball. If it is a bit dry, add milk, one teaspoon at a time, until it’s just right.
Press the dough out onto a baking sheet or into a tin.
Empty the can of tomatoes into a bowl, then spoon them onto the pizza. If the pizza is on a baking sheet, the tomato may want to run off the base onto the sheet, so press down with your fingers to make a raised edge. Don’t swamp the pizza, but add enough tomato to cover it.
Sprinkle over some salt, pepper and mixed herbs, followed by the grated cheese.
You can also add extra toppings if you like. Pandoo likes to add sliced mushroom or pepper, depending on his mood!
Cook for about 20 minutes at 200°C/ 400°F.
Pandoo says:
- Don’t forget to wear an apron – this recipe can get messy.
- The cheese is the best part, so don’t hold back! If it doesn’t look like enough, then it probably isn’t…
- Warning: this pizza is too big to eat alone at one sitting – so invite a friend over!
Interviews
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Jonny Bugatti Interviews: The Complainers
Jonny: Today we’re here with Dogga and Dudu from The Complainers, and their manager, Gary Grabsalot.
Jonny: So, Dogga, Dudu, you both come from Wales. Is that where you met?
Dudu: I suppose you could say that. We lived with the same family in Llandudno, Wales. That’s “HlanDIDno” by the way. So few people, know how to pronounce it. Including the children we lived with. Jamie and Ginny thought it was “Clandudu”. Just my luck to be named after a town they couldn’t even pronounce!
Dogga looks equally miserable at the memory.
Dogga: And my luck. Jamie found me on a trip to Dolgellau. (That’s DolGETHlie by the way). He totally mangled the name of the town, and his parents thought it was FUNNY! So, then I became Dogaloo! It’s an insult, that’s what it is!
Gary has clearly heard this story before.
Gary: Jamie was only five years old, remember.
Dudu: Being five is no excuse! What was the Great Mind thinking?! IF the Great Mind exists, that is, I’m still not sure.
I notice he crosses his paws behind his back as he says this.
Jonny: So tell us about this forthcoming tour in Outer Beargolia?
Dogga rolls his eyes.
Dogga: Oh, yeah. Well we’re going to HAVE to do another tour apparently.
He looks sideways at Gary as he says this.
…But Outer Beargolia should be far enough away that hardly anyone turns up.
Gary chuckles.
Exactly! Reverse psychology. It’s a challenge to the fans: you won’t turn up for this one! But they always do!
Dudu looks doubtful.
I don’t know. It’s a very long way. Who would spend money on a trip to Beargolia just to see us?
Gary: See what I mean? We’re advertising the tour on Furrygram as “The Complainers challenge you to come see them in Outer Beargolia!” I reckon we’ll get one of our biggest turnouts yet.
Dogga and Dudu look depressed at this thought.
Jonny: So are you planning any more albums after Can’t Win for Losing?
Gary brightens up. Dogga and Dudu look resigned.
Dogga: Well, no, but Gary says we’ll definitely feel inspired after a holiday on Eternia. He’s booked it for us and everything, so we HAVE to go.
He sighs mournfully and I take that as a hint to say goodbye and leave them to drink their tea, which of course, by now, has gone cold.
You can’t win for losing, folks!
